Ben comic strip by Daniel Shelton

It happened again today at the pool. My son whined about swim team practice, got into the pool 10 minutes late, and got out of it 15 minutes early, saying he had to use the bathroom. While what seems like half the kids in town are cheerfully (and annoyingly) doing laps, sometimes even in the cold and rain, my kids spend the morning either hiding in the bathroom or negotiating with me to not do the practice for the day.

When it comes to activities I am actually a softie about imposing things on the kids. Schoolwork is a different story. Our kids are expected to do well and get high marks, and I don’t feel guilty at all being very strict about that. But with activities, to me, the kids should have fun and enjoy themselves, otherwise why sign up? And that’s where I have such an internal conflict, when for some reason or another, the kids resist the activities or sports we’ve signed them up for. Part of me wants to just say “Okay, you don’t have to do it today” because I don’t want them to resent whatever it is (piano lessons, karate, swimming etc.) in the long run if they feel forced to do it. And yet I also know that allowing kids to give up on things so easily and just watch TV or play computer games instead is not a solution either.

So whenever something like this morning happens, I am at a loss. If I could wave a magic wand I would make it so that my kids just always felt like doing their extra-curricular stuff. It actually doesn’t matter to me whether they are great at it or not. I can honestly say I am not looking for glory in that way or trying to live vicariously through them. Like most parents I want them to keep busy with things other than computer games, to be active and healthy and eventually find a passion for something that they can work at and feel a sense of achievement doing. And even if it’s not something they are passionate about, an hour and half of swimming a day in this beautiful hot summer weather surrounded by friends (instead of tv, tv and more tv in the basement) is just not torture, as much as my kids would sometimes like to claim it is.

So while part of me felt guilty about scolding my son for his attempts to not do his practice (especially in front of this woman who no doubt thought I was being very mean and why should I put him in practice if he’d rather not do it), another part was like, hang on, if I don’t expect him to do this, what else is he going to give up on or try to get out of in the future? Because he is a good swimmer who enjoys the water once he’s in it, it isn’t as though I expect him to perform to a high standard. But is it asking too much just to do an hour of laps when you’ve got the whole rest of the day, of the the summer, to crash, read, watch tv? I don’t think so!

And yet even while I write this I still don’t know what the right thing to do is. How much do you push a child to do things and be active and when do you step back in case it backfires? I wish I had the self-assurance of some other parents I know who feel their actions of imposing activities is absolutely 100% right. Maybe it’s because when I have done this in the past, a child has reacted in the complete opposite manner and lost all interest in that activity. Maybe my kids just aren’t joiners or team players.

Why are some children so self-motivated and others need constant coaxing? To all the parents of self-motivated kids, most of your work is done. You just need to support them in terms of driving them around and making sure there is balance in their life. The rest of us will continue to muddle along, always questioning our methods.